I feel like a junk. Useless as ever. I've nothing better to do. No invitation to slack. No calls to share their stories. His out,working for 21 hours today. All I feel is just restless. I don't think people need me or want me anymore. They only need me when they need help,advices,opinions or entertaining them,like him for an example. But me,none gives me that entertainment. Urgh. Its eating me.
7 different countries. That's my dream and I want to achieve it. Don't care if I'm married or attached. I would love to go around the 7 different countries with the person I deemed. What's the need of being a bachelorette when the fact is you're attached? Having atleast 5 social escort? Urgh. Maybe guys just love the sick satisfaction. Just maybe they just love making their partner jealous and crying their heart out. Of course,not all guys are the same. But where can we get those who is faithful and of course,trustworthy? Major of it are just jerks and fuckers. And I don't find a need to wonder why some girl's would call themself as butch/endro/lesbians. 'Cause guys,sometimes just doesn't deserve ones loyalty. May love can't buy love,but atleast money gives happiness,to a certain extent.
Insecure. That's the thoughts and feelings I'm having. But he can never get this feeling. Why? His not even afraid. Me? Forget about me. I'd rather smoke my ass off and spend my life doing nothing.
Not even a single text saying goodnight. Busy much? Another busy man coming right up to join those fellas. I'm not in a right state of mind.
+ You're not here anymore. Alone,I presume. +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
1:07 AM
Just what's wrong?
I'm bored here and you're there having fun. Fuck ah!
Just what is wrong with me? And what is wrong with the people around me?! URGHHH!!!!!!!
+ I'm going crazy. +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
9:39 PM
Where are they?
Did I miss the friends' who is always there for me or just the company they gave it to me? Maybe its both. I'm bored to death. I've nothing else to do beside meeting bf,guitar and online games. Atleast,tomorrow will be a tiring day for me. I'm going to meet the 502 people in the morning and cheer thingy at the evening. But what shall I do next week? Five days straight. Mum planned to go Arab Street to compare prices of the fabrics there. But then again,only a day will be occupied. Urgh!
Nurul Ain!!!! I miss you!!! Call me up la!! I bet you're having holidays too right? If you're reading this,call me up tau!!! We catch a movie and have lunch/dinner together. Anywhere will do. Aytes babe?
And last,there will be another man that will call himself a busy man. Another busy man in that group of friends. What the hell? This is what girls saying,found a new friend forget the old ones. Hell. I'm hating this.
+ What wonders can you show me? +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
2:58 PM
this is just fucked up! fuck fuck fuck!!!
.I Wrote This Shit.
Monday, March 23, 2009
10:40 PM
My life will suck without you.
I don't feel quite right. I feel like vomitting and I swear my head feels heavy. I think there's a cow sitting on it. Fucking fat cow I presume. I've had my dinner and ate my panadols. Yet the feeling is just sick. My nose is like a running tap. It keeps flowing and itched like hell. My nose is red and dry. I hate this feeling. I swear,this sickiest feeling kills my mood. I feel like shouting out loud and dig my stomach out and check out what causes me have this pain in my stomach. I need a massage and not even a single caring soul would do it for me. Fuck la!
I swear I feel uneasy. Fucking uneasy.
+ In need of someone. +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
2:25 AM
Breaking free
My mind is just too full that I hardly sleep. I too wonder. Is there anyone thinking about me right now? Is there any soul who wished to be with me? Be it a lesbian,butch or endrow.
I look at my cat,and wonder. What is he thinking. What is he dreaming of. I look out of my window. And I wonder,what the hell is that person thinking. What kind of problem is he venturing. I look at my dad,and sometimes I thought of asking him. What do you see in mum. And me,I have no idea why am I thinking this way. Did my fever struck my brain and make me think this way? I'm wide awake. And what I need,and listening ear and a good laugh.
And there is so many things I've feared. And I bet I can go crazy if this carries on.
I was reminded at the time I hate mum going to work. I was afraid mum will give dad less attention and dad will go wild. I had imagine alot of shit and I was half ready to see what's next for me,for my family. And now,I feel like knocking my head at the wall and faint and when I woke up the next morning,I own't remember a thing about the things that disrupt my mind.
And finally,Ihad some things to think.
+ I farted as if no one cares. +
.I Wrote This Shit.
12:42 AM
What I can I do to save ones heart
I'm helpless. I can only listen to her voice. I pity her. I despise him. I can roughly get the feeling of being shouted at by your own flesh and blood. The one you feed from young to a teenage. Why?
Do men appreciate women? In what way do they appreciate women? Lust? Or the love that was given? Men was called dogs. And women was called materialistic bitch. Men is heartless while women too emotional. Where's the balance? And sometime,I wonder. What will happen to me? Who is my husband? How well will he treat me? Abusive? Or loving?
Though I was just about to reach 17 of age,this thing crossed my mind. No one is keen to listen. And my mind is fully occupied that sometime I didn't notice that someone is talking to me. And further more,I'm down with fever. How's that? Like I said,not a single soul care. I shall not pursue this matter as I won't entertain. Unless you really understand what's the message I'm trying to tell then we'll talk about this thing.
+ As you're blinded by anger. +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
10:34 PM
Down with fever.
I want porridge to fill up my hungry stomach. But I'm too weak to buy it myself. I hate this feeling. I hate having fever. My dad ate up all the panadols and left me nothing. Just great.
Monday,what can I do with that day? Its my holiday and I'm cashless. My mum is not going to give me money during my holiday. Why? This is just fucked up. I need to work this 3week. What kind of job that would accept this kind of shit? I'm just plain bored and unwell. No entertainment at all. Where's the people who always make me smile? And this particular person,what the hell are you showing me? What's with the cold shoulder you showed me? What wrong did I do to you? You've yet to explain. You didn't even say hie or chat with me. You gave excuses by saying you're busy or you're away. You're a big jerk.
Thanks ah ehk. Fuck you all la ehk.
+ I need a hug,a warmly loving hug. +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
10:55 PM
You shithead! You cry for a wrong guy bitch!
That is just so random. No one cry. And I haven't been meeting any bitches this few days. You know how sick I am? Urrgggghhhhh! I can't be me. No more lame jokes. No more crappy shit I can do. My life can be nothing but shit! Is this life ongoing 17? Fuck la. No cash,no bicycle where I can cycle through anywhere I want. Not even any activity for me.
Oh I shall just sign up for soccer and photography. Better off than doing nothing at home or slacking under a void deck smoking and keeping silent. And school,since this week many will not be coming to school,I shall just stay at home or maybe sit by the sea and watch the sea dance. Oh I even talked to ants. They are very hardworking I must say. And ya,I'm selling clothes for fucking 5 dollars,skirts for fucking 8 dollars and bangles in different sizes,pattern and in different price. Interested? I shall post the picture when I someone lend me their cameras. My handphone,it doesnt really gives out good pictures. Still,I love my handphone.
EHK I'M BORED LA!!! On for pool and movies anyone??
+ Lick my feet after I dip it with shit you fucking loser! +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
10:48 PM
Drool over it.
And school was boring as usual. Just entertaining some lame jokes and lame stories from the dicks. And I actually slept for half an hour due to boredom. But wait,I actually drooled on my lap!!! That is so fucked up! Lucky no one notice it! Bleargghhh... I miss sleeping in my old classroom in the old east view sec.
Karaoke ladies'? I'll be waiting for the day babe! Can't wait!! Call me once you have set the date and time! Okie Alfairah?!??? ehehehe..
Saturday and Sunday,4pm to 10pm. Fleamarket. Below the MRT track rail,opposite TM.
Can't wait to watch movie with my dear shorty cute cute bf this Sat! Syg dier la!!!
I'm bored. So does my boyfriend.
+ My pet kitten,KIKIIUUUU! +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Monday, March 9, 2009
1:17 AM
Pain.
One can never understand ones heart. Like this saying,life is unfair. Tears. Sometimes,they cry 'cause they are totally upset,dissapointed. They can't rebel,they are afraid of losing something,someone. They are weak,cowards. But people misunderstood it. Got screwed up instead of needing a shoulder,got criticised instead of needing a listening ear. Why? I bet everyone cry.
I'm trapped. I'm fucked up. These few days,no entertainment at all. None call up to ask me out. What's this? If only I have more of girl friends' rather than guy friends'. Why? Someone will jus think that its unfair for him. He had less girl friends' but I have more guy friends' than expected. Its irritating. This matter drag me from not going to school. Why? My friends' are all guys for goodness sake! I don't find it fun! To some bitches,its fun. They feel popular in a way. They get all the attention. Fuck it! What for do you need to think this way? I was accused in a way. And I don't think its fair for me. I don't asked for this.
You're not the only one who needs the entertainment The taste of your satisfaction I'm here searching for excitement Yet you ignore the fact that you kill my expectation
+ Can't I?
.I Wrote This Shit.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
2:05 PM
Company.
Somebody save me from this boredom! Its fucking eating me! I'm unhappy with things today. Happy anniversary dear.
Anybody can accompany me take some stuff from the airport then go 'lepak'?? It has always been like this. Whenever I can be home atleast by 9pm,none is free to entertain me or taking this advantage by spending time with me!
FUCK LA EHK!
+ You horrible fucker! +
.I Wrote This Shit.
12:49 AM
money. money can kill people's life. money is always a spark to a fight. money makes people go crazy. money. anyone disagree to this?
.I Wrote This Shit.
Friday, March 6, 2009
10:16 PM
Time goes by without noticing the date.
In few just few hours,it will be our 1year 8months together. I swear I didn't notice the date until I was dead bored earlier this morning at around 12.30am,counting my days since I was born.
A few asked,how did I ever get hold of Nat's attitude? The way he bahaves. His temper. At times,he may eat up all of my patience. And at times,he just love screwing me up. But his special to me. He may have this attitude that many will disliked. But when it comes to being lovely or sweet,he approach it in a different way.
At first,I can't accept the way he thinks. But as time goes by,I'm used from the way he sees things and judge things. Only at certain times,I can't accept for who he is. Maybe I myself wasn't in a fix and he too wasn't in a fix that cause us to fight like fuck.
He is someone I would look up to when I'm unhappy. He is the person I always call love. He is the man in my life,my current teenage life. He,whom people address him as Nat,my dear Muhammad Taufik.
+ Love is wonderful,only if you found the gold. +
.I Wrote This Shit.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
10:34 PM
After all.
I can't think of something to post about today. What I'm thinking right now is about my life I've went through all the years. 16 years of life,soon to past. I'm turning 17 yet I still want to be a child. When I was young,I was badly bullied by my friends. I swore I was a crybaby back then. I'm a stubborn little girl,to a childishly stubborn teenage girl.
I enjoy making fun out of something. Even it is stupid of me to do that. I don't care what people might think of me. All I care,is my own satisfaction.
It all started when my sister was born. She's the attention of my parents. Pampered is the word for her. For me,I do my own things. Whenever my sister cry,I would take her botle of milk and put it under my mum's bed. But before putting it,I would hide behind a curtain and finish the milk first. I love milk. Once I ate half of my sister's nestle cereal,which is very tasty,when I was feeding her. I hate her at first.
When I was in kindergarten,I remembered. I hit my head on my dining table and had a hole in the middle of my eye. The upper bone of my nose,a litlle lower from my eye brow. Blood flow like a running tap. I know I wanted to eat and I get up to get tissue but I run towards the table. After I got hitted,I walk to mum who wanted to pray. She panicked and call my dad up. Got into a taxi and drive off to Elias Mall for a stitch at a clinic. It wasn't pain at all. I only felt the pain when mum cleans up the wound. Its funny though. I look funny back then with a plaster in the middle of my eye brow. I was embarassed at first. But I knew,no one bullied me back then.
Second year in kindergarten,I tried something new. I hit a boy head with a thick paper,rolled. I guess I hit him hard that he cried. My teacher talked to me about the incident but I ended up talking with a fly rather than listening to my teaher. Weird ain't it? Talking to a fly? I've no friggin' idea.
It was racial harmony day and the students was told to wear traditional costume. I remember I slapped a boy. But no idea what's the cause of it. I swear I've no idea what the hell I'm thinking back then. And my best friend,Nurul Ain. Till now we still keep in touch. Love her,though.
But that's not it. I've more to talk about when I was in primary school. I shall continue during my free and not lazy hours. Have fun reading about my stupid years of life! :]
