I feel like a fool. Why love need to be so hurtful??
I tried to be strong but my weaknest is just to strong. Fuck me.
Oh God. Why??
You know how much I love him. You know how
strong I tried to be. You know how much
I suffer the last time. And its repeating again. You make me hate love so much this time.
I had enough. Take my life away from this world,God.
I don't wish to see the world anymore.
I don't want to see happy couples out there.
I don't want to see myself in this world again.
I don't think this hurts me anymore.
I had enough already.
Enough of wishing and hoping.
No more prayers to have a bright life.
If you don't want to take my life,then,I guess you only
want me to suffer more.
Slitting has gone away from my life. Seriously.
I've stop that habit.
Now,you can only see me crying helplessly.
I'm not blaming anyone. But I blame myself. For being stupid.
To believe in love. To trust what people says.
Khairiyah,you are just too stupid. I hate everything.
I hate myself more.
But,I miss him. But,he has step away from my life.
I was left alone once again.
Un-ashamed to cry. I need someone to lend me their shoulders.
I hope,I would never wake up and to see the sun rise again.
These wounds can never be heal.
No more love to bloom once again.
Let me be alone.
Let me live in this darkess world of mine.
Oh I'm so lost.
Oh I'm so envy those people around me being so lively.
But oh,I'm not fated to be like them.
My heart is crying out loud.
Calling for his name.
Begging not to go.
But I have to,'cause I love him.
I really do.
I heard this phrase,"If you love him,let him go.He wants
to find his happiness.And I know,you want to see him happy."
And I do.
I don't mind being so lonely.
I don't mind being so sad.
But I only want to see him happy.
And yeah,the setan wins again. So,my life is part of them.
Goodbye the old cheerful,idiotic,irritating and bitchy Khairiyah.
Bring the new one which isn't like a bitch.
Fight for nothing. Let they bully me.
The fucking Khairiyah.
Goodbye.
no more cheers this time.
mySICKstory.
.I Wrote This Shit.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
7:32 PM
A tragic happened yesterday.
A day I really don't want it to happen.
I never imagined,
if he really would step out of my life.
I really can't stand a day without him.
My love for him is so deep.
When I'm typing this,
tears are rolling down my cheek once again.
I was so lost when you actually said that.
You weren't a burden to me dear.
You weren't a jinx.
You aren't a failure.
You do make me happy.
You are the light in my life dear.
You were the one who brightens the darkess side of my life.
I was crying helplessly.
I had no where to go.
I can only hope for you.
And I can only love you.
I don't care if you drink.
I don't care if you a mat-rep.
I don't care if you aren't handsome.
I don't care if you were to be rich or poor.
Seriously,I don't care about this thing.
Even though I don't like it,but I have to accept you anyway.
And why do I actually accept you in the first place?
'Cause of your heart,I trusted you. I love you.
I've long waited to find someone like you.
Having you in my life is a gift from God.
And I thanked to have found you.
My dear,
I don't know what to do now.
It feel's that I got nothing left with me now.
My heart is crying out helplessly.
If only I could hug you tightly,
And tell you how much I love you.
Abdullah Nashrun,
You are the greatest gift in this world.
Don't think you are a jinx.
How I need you so badly.
How can I make this up dear?
How am I suppose to show you that I'm always happy with you??
We are just too busy with friends that we don't have time
for each other.
Regardless of having time for each other,I even thought
that you flirt with other girls.
Haish..
Like I said,nothing you do can make my love for you less.
I love you. Deep in my heart.
Those red flowers and that cute lilttle yellow teddy bear
is the thing that bring us memories.
Haish..
I got no where out right now.
I'm stuck.
I want to live my life with you.
But I'm scared of you somehow.
My heart is full with fears.
But with you by my side,I have the strength to move on with life.
cheers my love.
.I Wrote This Shit.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
7:17 PM
Oh ya.
Nash,I still love you no matter what. I'm sorry that I hurt you enough with that slitting. I didn't relieased I actually did it. Haish.. But then,you ever tell me that I will someday get bored with you and left you. But no. It will not happen. Remember this phrase,"action speaks louder than words". By just telling you I love you isn't just a word. It comes from my heart. And I actually do need you in my life dear.
Faeza,I still treat you as my bestest friend my dearest. You came in my life and make me a fucking joker. You know when I was in primary school,I was bullied and fat. And I'm the quietest in class. You came before I was into relationship. You are my true love. If only you were a guy. Haha! But having Nash is enough larhs. I still need you by my side. I appreciate all your kindness towards me. And even your family. Tell them I'm sorry. Your the only one I can hope on.
.I Wrote This Shit.
6:37 PM
I'm so lost right now.
I've lost Faeza. The one I always share my
secrets,my problems. But now,I don't know where to tell
my thoughts and feeling. I've cried enough. No one will understand how I feel.
I feel like I even lost Nash. The one I only love.
The one that always brighten my day. I've done enough.
I hurt him too much. I've given him enough problems. I'm
too blame. Why do I even exist in their live? Why
do I even exist in this world??
All those wishes are just dream. You can just dream all the way
you want. But it isn't reality.
Patience.
That is what a counseller told me.
Fate.
This is what he told me.
Karma.
This is what friends told me.
Do I have patience? Do I believe in fate and karma?
Yes. I do.
But patience is killing me. Fate is making me miserable.
Karma is giving me revenge.
I keep failing on this. I tried to be strong.
I'm not Khairiyah you know now. I'm weak. I'm useless. I'm such a troublemaker.
All I do is cry.
Oh God. When will this miserable life of mine would end??
I had enough. There would be no "another perfect day"
for me.
If Nash were to leave me. Please of please.
I'm begging you God. Take my soul away from this world.
He is the only one I could only hope for.
Haish..
"To me,I prefer Sallimi. He treats you damn well."
I'm sick of this sentence ok? Stop it. I've forgotten him.
I'm moving on.
I know. You friends can see me how I miss 2006 life.
Where everything runs smoothly.
But I can actually understand. After a long think from the top of the building.
Staring at the sky. Where the wind passes my body.
It make me realise.
Its something that you actually need to remember.
God isn't unfair. We are lucky to have clothes to wear.
To have branded stuff. To be sent to school to study. To have taste various type
of food. And to actually have a home.
If you wear to see the kids
at Aceh,Indonesia,or some other countries,
they have no proper wear. No shoes.
Not enough food. No proper shelter. I'm feel lucky enough
that I'm here being protected and have a proper wear.
Now I know. Life is a challenge. Not even a single person would be living a life
without miserable and stress or depressed.
Let's just take up the challenge and move on.
cheers. =/
.I Wrote This Shit.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
8:08 PM
Nothing feels right. Or even nothing is right.
I thought things would
become better but everything turns out different.
I'm so ego. I'm not brave enough to tell the person how
I feel. Now,I guess I should let it all out.
Faeza,my bestest friend and the one I trust most.
I scold her just now. I know its harsh but it just come out from my
mind. You told me to put an act to just make him go away.
I did. And all of a sudden,all my emotions
fall out. And I cried for my guy. And I was like lost. You were
far way before us. Walking side by side.
And I'm at the end,watching you endlessly. I was mad.
You told me to put an act which that really becomes
reality and when you meet him you just left me behind. Can't you just
tell him that "my friends need me and can you like go home?"
I feel liked a fool. And I didn't even notice i slit my hand which 'cause
Nash hearts torn.
And why I cried 'cause of him??
Well,most people thought that me and him has fallen apart.
When I siad no,they were liked "biar betul. korang tak nmpk mcm couple siol.
korang mcm strangers gitu. "
It did actually hurts me. I cried silently.
But I don't really care much. But it feels that what they
say do make sense. Haish.. Seriously. Its confusing. But my heart
always tell me even though I feel that I was being fooled,I know,I love him.
And that's for sure. The only sentence I can say is that,
"You can fool around with me but to tell you
honestly,nothing can make my love for you less."
And that's for sure.
Oh ya. Setan(not human. its real.),
don't bother me larh. Kau nak pecah kan hubungan aku
dengan kawan2 aku dan kekasih aku kan. Cuba larh. Aku tau
kau dah menang byk kali. Kau rosakkan hubungan aku dgn
Sallimi and my family. Ok fine. Aku pon tak heran dgn Sallimi. Keluarga aku
makin hari makin ribut. So you better watch your steps. When I get my
strength back,you will be crying of shame towards
your fucking fren. You will lose. I know. God is by my side now.
See you in HELL.
cheers.
.I Wrote This Shit.
Friday, March 23, 2007
7:33 PM
Well,there's alot
of thing in my mind now. I'm not feeling
well now. A fever hit me. Feel nauseous everytime I see food.
My appettite has gone.
No handphone. Got counselling from school.
I feel confused. With the way he act upon me. Feel like nothing
already. But then I still trust him though.
Family becoming more shit. It feel's
that home isn't heaven to me but hell. I feel like I don't
have any parents even though I have.
My life feel so lonely now. All of the sudden. I'm sick.
So sick. I'm weak. So weak.
I feel that no one cares for me. It feels that everyone
is just using me.
My brain is exploding.
I'm trying to be patient. I feel like standing at the corner of
the highest building where no one cares
and just fly down.
But its no use.
Mum always blame on me for almost everything.
I don't care.
Let she say what she want.
I know. I'm just a useless piece of shit. A bitch.
No ciggerettes for almost 3 days already. So stress. Feeling
like slitting but no. For the sake of him.
Well,I'm having this feeling in my heart that I don't want him to know.
But who am I suppose to let it go?
I'm stress. I need a pack. But where?
Haish..
I'm being so emo right now. But what can I do?
Tears are rolling down my cheek.
I want a hug. I want someone to protect me. I want someone to
just be by my side. So alone now.
So broken up inside.
No mood. Haish..
I'm just one confused kid. I know.
cheers.=(
.I Wrote This Shit.
Monday, March 19, 2007
8:34 PM
This is actually a song and is dedicate to my sweetheart Nash. It has been one month since we were together. Since I got nothing to buy for him,I guess a song for him will do. Haha. Hope it sounds nice..
cheers. =)
As day past by I thought it would end in this day of ours But somehow everything changed In a way that gives me hope and strength
By having you in my life Really do make’s a different You are like my heart and soul That make’s me a better lady I use to run wild Like a mad lady pushing other’s in class And bullying kid’s that is innocent And making other thinks that I’m better off being a guy than a lady.
You walk past by me one day And makes me to love you To care for you And to protect you from any harms
This isn’t a feeling for you That make’s me to be crazy over you But it’s something that my heart wants and that is To give you love
Well, People can say it’s an infatuation But to me It’s what my heart wants Now, We have reached one month In being together And my wish is to be you forever.
This isn’t a song which is just to be sing and tell But it is something that comes from the heart of mine.
Happy One Month Anniversary
My Love.
.I Wrote This Shit.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
4:06 PM
Stupid bitch!
Supposingly I will have my handphone
by today. But that darn teacher
is not present in school. Idiot larh! Seriously
today wasn't my day.
Then,my friends and I have planned to have a picnic today but
my parents,especially dad,don't allow.
Now,I was left out. Haish..
Have fun girls..
Now,I've got nothing
to do at home. My mum always ask me to
do the stupid housework. Haish..
So bored..
Oh yeah. I read my sister journal. She wrote
about me. Well,in the book,she wrote that I and mum
always quarrel. I never listen to mum. She said she is sad to see me
like this. Then she even wrote about
me smoking. Haish.. I just can't stop smoking.
And at home,I feel left out. Mum always said negative things
about me. I'm sick in living in this
house. I feel like running away. But when I think about it again,
my little brother and sister needs me.
Don't care
about what my parents think of me and my friends.
I know what I'm doing.
Smoking? Maybe I will try quitting. It will take days
to do that. No ciggerettes,I can't breathe properly.
So addicted.
So,maybe I would change
to a better person for the sake of my
younger siblings. They are like hoping for a better sister.
Since I'm the eldest among them,then I would show them the right way
to live. Heck care to mum and dad.
Say whatever. I want my younger ones
to have a bringht future. If I can't enjoy my teenage life,
maybe,I don't care much. But then I want the 4 little rascal to have the
wonderful times of teenage. Even though they have long way to go,
but they are easily to be influence at these age.
=)
Let's strive for the best! Weeeee!
cheers everyone.=D
.I Wrote This Shit.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
11:40 PM
I'm not really
in a mood. I miss my sweetheart
alot. Try sms him,no replies. Try calling,
can't retrive. I don't know what happen to his phone.
I don't know his home number.
Shitty larh. I'm just stupid. Stupid enough not to jote down
his number at my book or on the
walls. Haish.. Feeling so fucked up. Then none of
the friends that know his number to be online. Gosh. Making more
stress up. If only I have his
brother or sister MSN. Its easy to ask.
Oh yeah. Brother Kai,if you are
reading this,can you like add me at MSN?? Hmm..
And now what?? Haish.. Another working day tomorrow with mama
at Vista Point in Woodlands. Haish..
Dear sweetheart Nash,
If you are reading this,can you sms me at mum's
hp? I sms you alot of times.
I even tried calling. But I don't know why it
can't be retrived. I miss you soo much. I don't know what to do
without you. Haish.. Sms me ok darlz??
I'll be awake at the time of 6.30am. I need to go to work with mama.
I will wait for you to either sms or call tomorrow.
Love you alot.
Muackks. Miss you... =/
cheers.=(
.I Wrote This Shit.
Friday, March 9, 2007
9:41 PM
...19/02/'07...
.I Wrote This Shit.
8:56 PM
Mama! Can I have $20 to cut my
fringe and to have my hair trimmed?? And dad,can I
have a guitar?? Plezzzz....
And of course Ms Santha,I want my phone backk! !
Stupid larhh. 'Cause of that bitch my phone and Lolita's has been confiscated
by her. And yeah. 'Cause of that I miss
my sweetheart damn lotss sia! Idoit morons!
Ok. Hope my dad would
buy me a guitar. And to have him buy
me that is to study hard and pass almost all
the subjects. Now,for this term 1 test,I passed
all of the subjects except MT. Ok fine. I want to improve the other subjects.
For MT language,I guess failing also I
don't care larh.
Hmm.. For this holidays,
my girlfriend's planned to have picnic on Tuesday.
Haven't confirm with dad. Hope
he allow. If not,he will get the hell out of me. Hmm.. Maybe,either one of days
want to go study at library with my sweetheart.
Yeayy!
Thought of buying ciggeretes but my mum always
keep asking for my savings.
Haish..
Let's end here. Boring arh. Just missed
my sweetheart Nashrun. =p
cheers.=)
.I Wrote This Shit.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
9:21 PM
Today,everything
was fine. No fights and all. But,
Mai has alot of things in mind. Haish.. Ok. Let's
talk about today and yesterday.
I didn't update my blog yesterday 'cause
of my laziness. Well,we went to
Tampines Mall to have my remote control
changed as it can't be used anymore.
Then,we went to NTUC to buy sushi's. My favourite!
Yum yum! After sushi's,I bought
a piece of Coffee Roll cake at Begawan Solo. Then,
bought crispy curry puffs at 1a. The shop named 1a. So weird.
But then,the puffs are very nice. Love it! I bought
for mum too. We were like
shopping for food seh yesterday. Haha!
Now,let's write about
today. Well,without handphones is so
stressful. I will always check if my sweetheart would
sms me. But now,its hard to contact him
and had to use Ary phone. Thanks ya Ary. Maths lesson
was so boring. Mr Desmond Goh,the new teacher,teach us and
I could not understand a what he is trying to say.
I want Mr Tan back. If not,I would slack in my
studies seh. Haiyoo... Ok. Art lesson,was fine.
Mrs Choy is on MC. She always on MC. Irritating siah! Then a relief teacher
take over. He was like restless seh. Haha!
We were in computer lab. I didn't play with the comp. I share
with Ary. While he is surfing the net,I was eating bread and
drinking Vitasoy. Ok. You don't need
to know that actually. Haha!
After school was over,I went to meet Nashrun.
My sweetheart. Hehe.
He make me smile everytime I'm with him.
I feel happy whenever I sees him around the school. Only
he,and my friends can make my day
go round. And of course,Lame and the people of 302 that can
make my day go round too. Hehe.
Well,atleast,I pass almost all
my subjects except MT. Stupid siah me!
My own language also I fail. Haha!
Forget it larh.
Ok. I want to end here. Toodlez!
cheers. =)
.I Wrote This Shit.
Monday, March 5, 2007
8:22 PM
Today,school was
stupid but then worth it. Haha! Me and
Lolita did something which
is very stupid. And like
Ms Santha said,this could be a police case if
the victim dosen't forgive us.
Well,the victim was Irene,
and what we did was that we try to snap a picture of
her doing her things inside a cubicle.
She caught us trying to do
that but we run after doing that. We didn't get a perfect
picture though. Haha! And it was like
it didn't get Irene in the picture. All we see is a
wall. Yea. Only a wall.
Then she really thought we had her picture taken,
and so she told a teacher. And
Ms Santha called us down. She took our handphones
and confiscated it for a week or so even though
we didn't use it during lesson. Just that
too bad larh our phone stayed with her. After school,
we were like serving detention and
write down on a paper which Ms Santha gave about
what we did just now and what
are the other things we did. Haha! Even though
we thought it was fun,but then it was wrong too. And of course!
I can't live a day without my handphone! How am
I going to survive without my handphone??
How am I suppose to sms
him?? Aww. I'm going to miss him badly. I meant
BADLY! Haish..
Tomorrow will be a sucking
day for me,I guess. No handphone,then me
and Lolita were suppose to meet her
with skirt at the actual length and hair need to be black.
No cosmetics on face. Haish.. I don't care bout
all that. I will still insist on
doing it the day after tomorrow. I will still wear short skirts and
eyeliners. And hair still be in colour. Just that
I want my phone. Haish.. Feeling so annoyed
right now. Now,let me wait for my sweetheart to online.
